There's Psychopathy then there's Marketing Apathy!

Norm Cowie w/Rob Walker @www.loveismurder.com conference

Thanks, Rob, Morgan, and everyone at ACME Authors Link for having me back here at youZ guyZes great blog where almost everything goes. I had once been one of youZ, a regular contributor with Acme until I was sucked into the black hole of author marketing apathy - as serious a disorder as writers block!                      

On that note, it’s time for me to come clean on something that I’ve been hiding from my friends, neighbors and publishers. Something so horrible and ... well... (sigh)... let me just come out and say it.

I was an advertising/marketing major back in college.

                             Joe Konrath w/Norm Cowie in Galena, IL 2009

There, I said it. And I was pretty good at it, too. I was even selected as one of the University’s five representatives for a national advertising competition. So wouldn’t you think I’d be pretty good at marketing my books?

Nope, I suck at it. And not just a normal suck, but more like the big magic, steroid-inflated Hoover vacuum cleaner of suckage. Even worse, my instincts for knowing which way the wind is blowing pales even compared to that of a naked mole rat.

In August 2009, I went to Galena, Illinois with several other authors including Joe Konrath, Henry Perez, Luisa Buehler and Margot Justes to market our new anthology Missing. We were hosted by fellow author Barbara Anino and her husband in their Bed and Breakfast.

One late evening after we wore everyone else out, it came down to just Konrath, Perez and me lounging in the living room, wearing courtesy b&b robes and bending elbows with liquid we’d liberated from one of Galena’s many wine outlets, and Joe started talking about something he called ebooks.

Ekkk-books?

Joe (we know him now as the Pied Piper of this ebook revolution) said ebooks were going to be the wave of the future, and he was converting all of his previously unpublished work and releasing every title onto Amazon’s Kindle himself. I laughed (easy when you’ve been drinking) and told him he was crazy. Who’d want to read on a tablet?

The truth was I was a bit intimidated by the thought of wrestling with formatting a book to meet this new technology.

Joe wouldn't let it go; he insisted ebooks were about to explode in popularity, so I said, “Tell you what, Joe. How about I give you one of my unpublished books and you convert it to ebook, publish it, and we’ll split the profit?” He firmly and politely said, no, that he wouldn’t feel right, and insisted I consider doing so myself.

Well, we all know what happened with Joe and other of his friends who follwed the Pied Piper into ebooks, and I sure wish he’d have taken me up on my offer -- and/or that I'd gotten off my duff and looked into the possibilities.

Two years later, I belatedly began taking Joe's advice--as had many another 'smart' writer. My first try was with a non-fiction collection of humor essays called, The Guy’d Book, why we leave the seat up ... and other stuff. The Guy’d Book is a collection of humor essays I’d written over the years dealing with being a guy, father and ESPN addict, some parts of which had been published in the Chicago Tribune and Cynic Magazine.

I wrestled with the formatting for both ebook and printed book (using Create Space where I stumbled onto something they called their Cover Creator). With this nifty little tool, I was able to cobble together a usable cover, seeing as without a publisher, I was on my own for covers. Soon after, The Guy’d Book was available as an ebook.

Right around the same time, my contract was expiring with my publisher for my first book, The Adventures of Guy. They offered to renew, but flushed with enthusiasm I took back the rights. In hindsight, I think they were ticked off because citing a clause in our contract, they demanded I remove all images of the book cover from my sites. The clause wasn’t well written, and while I disagreed about the intent of the clause, I decided not to fight (mostly because I never liked the cover all that much in the first place). But it did teach me one important lesson: whenever possible, control your own covers.

Then I turned down my second publisher’s offer to publish WereWoof, the sequel to my first YA vampire book Fang Face, and released it myself on Kindle, followed shortly by my newest adult humor title, Bonk & Hedz, a caveman ... and woman... story. I took my own advice to design and do the artwork for both books.

I now had six books, four of which were self-published, and I sat back and waited for everyone to discover me.

I wasn’t active in forums, did no advertising, no blog tour and otherwise totally neglected my blog, and basically my marketing efforts consisted entirely of watching reruns of Big Bang Theory, doing angry political tweets and checking the ESPN website for news of Peyton Manning’s recovery from neck surgery.

You can probably guess what happened with my book sales. Though the Guy’d Book once nipped into the Top 100, my others were flotsam in the Amazon jet stream. Readers aren’t Christopher Columbus. You have to bring the New World to them, not vice versa.

So I’m finally stepping into the marketing pool encouraged by the seemingly idefatiguable Rob Walker and his results with Kindle Select and other authors who are carving a path to show how to get books out to readers. I'm following his methods along with Joe's these days. Another suggestion Konrath had made was to do short stories, so I’ve released a few onto Smashwords as companion pieces to my other books. Rob's been great at advising me on many otherlooked steps I should be taking as well.

In other words, I’m finally getting off my butt, climbing out of the black hole of marketing apathy and putting fur on my naked mole rat.

So, hi, it’s good to meet you all ...again, and I hope you will please leave a comment. Finally, thanks to all the Acme family here for having me back!

The Guy’d Book is available for free with Kindle Select lending. Here’s my Amazon page: http://amzn.to/l9d9Ya , http://www.normcowie.com

NORM COWIE

A Brief Blog by Margot Justes

This will be short, I returned from Nashville Monday afternoon and the rest of the week got away from me.

Met my friend Miriam last night for coffee-what else-to share information about Venice, the next time I will be seeing her will be September 2nd in Venice.

It is bright and early and I'm on my way to Galena for a Missing signing, along with fellow authors Luisa Buehler, Joe Konrath, Mary Welk, Amy Alessio, Norm Cowie, Joe Konrath and local Galena author Barbra Annino , she did a terrific job organizing the two events.

Forgive me if I've missed anyone, it's early, I mean really early, as in 4: 30, at any rate, if you're in the area please stop by, all the information is on my website www.mjustes.com

Till next time,

Margot Justes
www.mjustes.com
A Hotel in Paris

Blatant Self-Promotion ... yep, all about ME!!

I had last Monday off so that you guys could all read cool stuff by Austin Camacho. I'm sure you all enjoyed it as much as I.

Speaking of me and myself ... I, of course, spent the time productively and diligently working on my next book.

Hah, I'm lying, of course. I watched Monday Night Football.

Anyway, I didn't have anything to write tonight ... heh, lying again.

No, actually, I'm not lying, I'm not going to write today. I'm going to point y'all at a really cool interview that Billie Williams of Manic Readers inflicted on me, ... er, ... gave to me, ... er, ...um ... interviewed ... uh...

Here's a slice:

The reason you find the humor in everyday life is because you examine it. Did you always write humor? If not, what did you write before humor? What genre haven't you tried that you would like to write? (Though I can't imagine that, I'm sure if you wanted to try something that you wouldn't have already done it.)

Yeah, humor's my thing. Let's see. I wrote a horror book ... didn't sell. Then I wrote a kidnapping thriller ... didn't sell. But don't tell anyone. (Wait... I just did). I didn't mention above ... mostly because I knew I'd mention here below ... that I write an award-winning humor/business column for a credit magazine. The subject of construction law is so dry that the Sahara would weep, so I spice up the articles by making them fun and breezy; and I pick on attorneys for their bad spelling and for being poo-poo heads. Well, a few people noticed and they sent me emails and money ...no, not money ... anyway, they asked me to keep doing it. So I wrote a funny book where attorneys, telemarketers and Grand Prix drivers are the bad guys.

Fang Face is due out in 2009 - do you dare give us a sneak peek? I'm intrigued by the idea of "a funny vampire book" to use your own words.

I’m all a-trembly with excitement about it! Most writers just gloss over all of the funny things that can happen with vampires. Not me. The premise is that a teenaged girl … Erin, gets bitten by a vampire … twice. It takes three bites to turn her all the way. So her parents and sister go, “Nuh-uh, we’re not going to let her to over to the Dark Side.” So they start wearing garlic necklaces and making blood smoothies and stuff. Meanwhile, as she becomes more vamp, her fangs grow in (messing up her braces), she gets more Goth-like, darker, prettier. The guys at school, of course, start noticing … so do the girls. But here’s the kicker. Erin’s becoming so pretty, more than pretty …but she can’t see her reflection. Bummer. The book offers sympathy to vampires that you might not see in another book, like how important a clean neck is to good vampire hygiene. There’s a lot of other stuff, but I don’t want to ruin the surprise.

There's a lot more, too much for here, so go check out the entire interview:

(okay, I'm not very tech savvy, so do one of the three):

1) If the link is live, click this ... http://www.manicreaders.com/index.cfm?disp=authorInterviews&iid=67

2) If the link doesn't work, cut and past the link onto your browser.

3) If 1 and 2 don't work, go to www.manicreaders.com - go to the 'authors' drop down menu - choose 'interviews' - then pick "Norm Cowie October 27, 2008" (easier than it sounds)

4) Try 1,2 and 3.. .and if they don't work, well, turn on Monday Night Football


A fun interview ... so I hope you check it out.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

Fang Face (young adult - coming 2009)
The Adventures of Guy ... written by a guy (probably)
The Next Adventures of Guy ... more wackiness
The Heat of the Moment
Missing (coming 2009)

Clean air, my patooey

I'm kind of ticked about something ... just call me a clock, a watch, a digital timer ... wait.

Anyway, it's distracted me so much that I can't think of anything else to blog about, so here goes:

A Rant Blog !!!

Yay!!

(clap, clap)

I took my wife's car to work today for its yearly oil change.

(okay, the gearheads out there are scoffing at me)

But here's the thing, it's two years old and has less than ten thousand very gentle miles on it. It even still smells like a new car ... which is part of the problem.

Anyway, I took it to an oil place that I won't name because I'm sorta, kinda going to accuse them of something.

(Jiffylube)

I pulled in, got ushered to a seat and I sat down to write some of my book.

Just kidding, I was reading a book.

A bit later, a guy pokes his head in the waiting room and says, "Sir, can you come out here?"

Now this is the thing that I hate about Jiffylube, er, I mean, certain oil places. They have you come out, look at some computer saying when the factory says you should be doing things, and then they upsell you to something that the factory doesn't realize still has some life in it.

But it's a nice upsell for Jiffylu...er, oil places, and I'm sure they scare a lot of people into keeping their cars nicely maintained before their times.

I mean, this is good for you too, right? You don't want to break down in front of a strange McDonalds restaurant and have to eat another town's French fries.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good about my wife's car and pretty sure that the attempt to add more mechanics stuff to my bill will be easily thwarted.

So we meet at the open hood and I quickly take a peek at the exposed air filter, which looks strangely naked. It's clean.

"Yeah," I thought, "don't need no stinking air cleaner yet."

And then the guys holds up a small plastic bracket.

"You need a new cabin filter," he said, an apologetic look hiding his true look of triumph.

"Huh?"

"A cabin filter."

"What's a cabin filter?"

"It goes under your glove box. It cleans the air coming into the cabin from the air conditioner and vents."

I frowned, "Where's the old one?"

He shifted a bit, "Uh, there wasn't an old one."

"Shouldn't there have been?"

"Yes."

"So, um, you're saying that the factory forgot to install it?"

"Um, yeah."

It's just a cheap, plastic looking thing, I thought to myself. I'll just get new one and forget about it.

"So how much does one of these cost?"

"$49.99."

My eyebrows shot up into what's left of my hairline.

"Fifty bucks?!" I sputtered.

"Yeah."

"Forget it. I'll just go back to the dealer and take it up with them."

"Oh, okay, I guess," he said, looking disappointed.

Twenty minutes later, I was pulling into the Toyota dealership figuring no problem, they will want to take care of me. When I explained my problem to the service manager, he smirked, "In all my days here, I've never heard of them forgetting that filter.

"But, but ..."

"Where'd you get your oil changed?" He picked up the Jiffylu...er, oil receipt and snorted, "Oh, I see..."

"What?"

"We see this all the time from them. They probably took out your air filter and told you it was never there."

"But, but ..."

Then I figured, what the heck, just get the part and leave.

"So how much for ..."

"Seventy bucks installed."

My eyebrows shot up again, knocking off my glasses, "What?!"

Suffice to say, if clean air was all that important, George Bush would never have been elected, so I decided not to replace it right then and went home and Googled it.

This particular air filter, the Googled page said, is specially formulated to keep the new car smell in the car.

"Hmmm..." I thought to myself ... "two years old and it still smells new."

So the question is ... did Toyota forget to put the filter in the car, or did JiffyLu...er, the oil place toss it and try to rip me out of fifty bucks?

This story ain't over ...

Norm

www.normcowie.com

Fang Face (young adult humor/vampire coming Aug. 2009)
The Adventures of Guy ... written by a guy (probably)
The Next Adventures of Guy ... more wackiness
The Heat of the Moment

I know a guy when I see one

(my apologies if you find this too political .. I posted this on Myspace and received favorable reaction from both Republicans and Democrats. We're just having fun, y' know. Anyway, it'll get pulled if it's too much)



My wife and I were watching the Vice Presidential Reality Show the other night, and then my wife grinned and said, "She reminds me of you."

"How's that?"

"She doesn't have any clue what she's talking about."

"Huh? Oh... wait ...yeah, I think I know what you're saying."

And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that Sarah Palin is just like me.

She has a pretty good sense of humor, she's not an idiot, she knows that 'icing' is a hockey term, not just something for a cupcake. Not only that, but she's an engaging speaker and she has nice legs. Um...well, okay ... that's her virtue, not mine.

Anyway, besides the stuff above, the other thing we have in common is she's a guy.

Yep, a guy.

Think about it.

I mean, sure, she doesn't look like a guy. In fact, she's quite pleasant to look at, and I, like most guys, wouldn't mind seeing her naked.

But she is a guy ... and I can prove it.

Here she is, vying to become second banana to the most important person in the world, interviewing with national political consultants who make politics their life, then debating ... well, in word only ... that was no debate ... anyway, she's getting ready for the biggest event in her life ... and ...

... she 'winged' it.

She didn't know a thing. Her vague generalities, refusal to answer questions that she couldn't answer anyway, emphasis on misleading points, ... well, that's 'winging' it.

Ask any guy who comes home from having sneaked out to play golf, and forgets to think up an excuse beforehand. Or the guy who has an important meeting on Tuesday morning, but stayed up too late watching MNF. We know 'winging' it when we see it.

A woman never 'wings' it. They treat life and important events like Thanksgiving meals. They prepare, get ready, obsess, think, exchange ideas ... and nothing goes in the oven until it's ready.

But not Sarah Palin.

She 'winged' it.

Does this bother me? Not as much as you might think. I mean, the political pundits and Republicans were raving about what a success she was because she didn't perform to their lowest fears. And, as history has shown us, a low bar doesn't seem to be an obstacle to being a Vice President. I mean, ... can you say, Spiro Agnew, Dan Quayle, Richard Cheney?

You can't get worse than these three stooges.

Oh, and were they all Republicans? My bad.

And she ignores facts. How 'guy-like' is that? I almost thought I was watching myself on television. Remember when Palin chided Biden for comparing McCain to Bush. She said something like this, "There ya' go again, Joe, looking to the past..."

The past? George Bush is the standing President.

Then she goes off to extoll the virtues of Ronald Reagan.

Ronald Reagan?! That was almost twenty years ago.

I nearly swooned in admiration of the deft way she pulled this off.

But then another thought occurred to me during this whole debacle. As you know, Republicans have been rallying around her, calling her a fresh outside voice, a breath of fresh air ...

What kind of attacks do you think we would have seen if someone exactly like Sarah Palin ... had been the DEMOCRATIC candidate?

Yep, it would have been ugly.

But I'm not calling anyone a hypocrite ... nope, not me. I'm just saying that she's a guy.

But I'd still like to see her naked.
(don't tell my wife)

Norm

www.normcowie.com
The Adventures of Guy
Fang Face - coming Aug 2009
(check out my new website: www.fangface.homestead.com)

Cross-blogging ... (aka 'day off')

Last week, I told you ... well, more, I wrote and you read ... that is, if you read it ... but I still wrote it ...

...um...

Anyway, publisher Karen Syed is still doing her blog a day thing, and if you haven't read it yet, it's a great chance to get inside a publisher's head. See what makes her tick ... (actually, I sort of make her tic).

She forced me to ... er, asked for a couple volunteers to contribute and I wrote the following. It's kind of fun, so I thought I'd cross-blog for your enjoyment ... plus it gives me a chance to fix a typo. When you're done, you'll realize you're missing out by not reading her blog. Check it out at karensyed.blogspot.com.

In the meantime, here's what I came up with:

I remember once when I was a teenager I was sitting at a table across from my best friend Brian and we were demolishing … as only a couple of teenaged boys can … a plate of huge chocolate chip cookies. And when I say, huge, I mean cookies about the size of my credit card debt.

“Bet you can’t get a whole cookie in your mouth,” he challenged.

Ah, a dare. “Oh, yeah?” I retorted, and without thinking I jammed an entire cookie in my mouth.

His eyes widened, in admiration … and hopefully … shock and awe. Then his eyes narrowed, and he duplicated my feat. This is what guys do. Dumbness and dumbness repeated.

So we leveled a look at each other over the table like Clint Eastwood and a bad guy.

Then I tried to bite down on the cookie. But couldn’t. It was wedged too far in my mouth. I tried to break the cookie in half with my tongue. It … the cookie … was too thick. Frantically I tried to poke a finger in my mouth to break the cookie’s clutch.

Nothing. There was no room for my finger. I grabbed a shoehorn … no, I didn’t … but I wish there had been one. I looked up and saw that Brian was having the same problem. His mouth was stretched out like a hammerhead shark with a mouth full of tennis racquet.

Then I started laughing. Not much of a laugh, mind you. More like a choked, gargling sound like what a gum chewing turkey might make. Brian saw me laughing, and then it hit him. He dissolved in silent laughter, tears of mirth leaking from his eyes. Then he crumpled and fell to the floor. I wasn’t far behind.

Laughing, not dying. But if I was going to die, there are worse ways to go than dying while laughing.

Until this moment I had never understood the phrase, ‘rolling on the floor laughing.’ Anyway, when God invented enzymes and acids and stuff to break down foods in our mouths and stomach, I doubt if He did so with figuring it would save me from a killer cookie some day.

When I write, I write what makes me laugh. Snappy dialogue, ridiculous situations, and a frantic pace that barely lets you get your breath. Things that are funny because they are true or funny because they are unexpected.

I draw upon techniques that the great comedians have gleaned over the years. Like the observational humor of the late, great George Carlin, who said, “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster is a maniac?” Or misdirection, a favorite technique of Steven Wright, “I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.”

My first attempt at writing a book was a horror demon book and my second was a kidnapping book. Neither saw the light of day or of one of those really bright moonlit nights. Then one day I bonked my elbow on something which reminded me that I had a funny bone. What’s more fun to read than fun stuff, things that make you chuckle, laugh, or snort your Dr. Pepper? So I wrote my first humor fantasy book, The Adventures of Guy … written by a guy (probably), and it sold. So did its sequel. And next year my first vampire/humor book, Fang Face will be out to delight critters everywhere.

If I’m gonna die, it’s going to be by laughing. And until I do, I’m going to write with the same philosophy.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

The Heat of the moment
The Adventures of Guy ... written by a guy (probably)
The next Adventures of Guy ... more wackiness
Fang Face (young adult humor/vampire, coming Au. 09)

Way Up Northbrook

I kept driving and driving ... past the Hinsdale Oasis ... past O'Hare ... past the exit for Wheeling ... past a deer carcass on the side of the road ... and then, just before bonking my head on Wisconsin, there it was ... the Lake Cook Road exit.

I drove past it by mistake because I was checking out the fine mini-van driving next to me.

Yeah, mini-van. A real man's vehicle, right?

Not really. What really happened was I was checking out the tanned, halter-topped young lady who was riding a bright yellow crotch rocket in the middle lane, causing all kinds of swerving and stuff from the guy drivers all around trying to keep two eyes on her and a third eye on the road.

Anyway, I lied, I ripped my eyes away from her at the last minute and didn't miss my exit.

So I took the exit to really, really, really North Brook (they laughingly spell it Northbrook) and as I drove on Lake Cook road, I looked at Lake County on my left and Cook County on my right, wondering where they came up with the name Lake Cook road.

Then I drove to the huge Borders Books at the corner of Waukegan and Lake Cook and went inside to my booksigning.

Not really. Actually, I drove past the huge Borders Books and a minute later pulled in the parking lot of Max and Benny's , a popular restaurant, deli, bakery with an awesome reputation and food that lives up to it.

Yep, my first signing in a restaurant.

Five of my fellow authors from the anthology, The Heat of the Moment had assembled to eagle, er, hawk the anthology and our own individual books. Joining me were fellow Acme blogger Margot Justes, Bob Goldsborough, Amy Alessio (congrats on the baby, Amy!), Kevin (I'm a fireman, buy my book) Helmold, Christine ... um, Ver ... Verstra... uh...

(wait, I need to look it up)

Here ya' go, Chris Verstraete. I knew it all the time. Yeah, and I wasn't looking at the girl on the crotch rocket.

Anyway, we were all here for our first ever booksigning at a restaurant.

Whoo-hoo!

We were excited ... all pumped up... ready to risk carpel tunnel, dried out ink pens and clumsy busboys.

But I'm not going to lie. The crowd was less than overwhelming. I mean, the staff at the restaurant was very gracious and supportive. They put copies of our books in the front along with an author or two (Kevin, Bob and I took turns), and they let us use their public address system ... I doubt they'll let me do it again in the future ... heh, heh.

But having a signing at the hours 3-5 pm on a Saturday just wasn't conducive to having a large number of people. The few that came to eat were pleasantly surprised to learn that six authors were in the building, but again, there weren't many there then.

The owner came by and remarked that it was not the busiest time to sign, and wondered why we had picked a slow time (actually, one of his managers did - but beggars can't be rich, er, choosers).

Anyway, we had a great time. Bob, Margot, Kevin, Amy and I have had a few joint signings together, and it was fantastic to finally meet Chris. Margot's family came out to support her, and they are cool, not just fantastically good looking and intelligent. We all like each other so it was worth doing.

So I'm sure we'll find somewhere else to sign, be it Canada, er, Wisconsin, I mean, Northbrook or wherever.

Plus, there are rumors that there will soon be another anthology ... stay tuned!

Norm

www.normcowie.com

The Adventures of Guy ... written by a guy (probably)
The Next Adventures of Guy ...more wackiness
The Heat of the Moment
Fang Face (my first YA! coming Aug 2009)

Stump the Norm

Okay, you folks are in for a real treat. I sporadically edit a company newsletter and once challenged the employees to try and stump me on some questions. I've decided to share some of it with you and as you will see, they rose to the challenge ... but so did I.

These are actual questions sent in by real employees in a real company and responded to in a real newsletter by the real me. I may have picked on salespeople a bit, but be assured that no salesperson was hurt in the making of this blog.

· Question: If nothing sticks to Teflon, how does Teflon stick to the pan?

· Answer: C’mon, give me a hard one!! You don’t have to go far to get the answer to this seemingly impossible answer. The remarkable properties of Teflon are easily explained when you look at the scientific roots of this remarkable mineral. As you undoubtedly remember from high school physics class, Teflon is a natural element that is secreted from the adrenal glands of a salesperson. When applied to any hard surface, this mineral transfers to the surface the same qualities that salespeople use to give out work, even while work given to them is naturally repelled.

· Question: When snow melts, where does the white go?

· Answer: Only a monkey could answer this question, which has puzzled people for many years. Back n the old days, snow white simply went to sleep, to be stared at by dwarfs until kissed by a prince and awakened the following winter. Then one day, a Monkey, named Mike Nesmith, discovered a way to bottle it, and spread it on paper to cover mistakes.

· Question: Why do customers prefer to come in ten minutes before closing?

· Answer: Excellent question, and one that required considerable research. I conducted an in-depth scientific study (by sitting back in a chair and staring at the ceiling for forty-five seconds), and fathomed that all people want to be either the first at something, or the last at something. For instance, the baseball Mark McGuire hit for his 70^th home run was auctioned for over one million dollars. However, if he hadn’t hit numbers 1 through 69, number 70, by itself, wouldn’t have been worth much at all. So each baseball he hit for a homerun during 1998 should be worth the same amount of money. But they aren’t! Only the last one is! So I reasoned that people figure they get more value if they are the last one coming in the store to buy something. Proof of this can be seen the next morning when you see debris cluttering your parking lot. This is from people waiting in the parking lot for the last instant that they can conceivably squeeze into the store. As far as McGuire, though, since Bonds came around and broke his record, McGuire’s home run balls aren’t worth anything anymore.

· Question: What direction should a ceiling fan rotate in summer and winter?

· Answer: In a circular direction, in both summer and in winter. Sheesh, c’mon, give me a hard one.

· Question: Why do kangaroos have their babies in their pouches … and how do they stay there when the mama is bouncing around?

· Answer: I’ll handle the second part of this question first, and with just one word … Velcro. As far as the first part, a kangaroo baby is called a joey, short for Joseph, who should have his own church. These marsupials are part of the macropod family (meaning big foot), which includes over 55 species, including certain NBA basketball players; and they keep their joeys in their pouches for two reasons: First, because a mother kangaroo is extremely organized. She is very creative at storing and packing items, like extra lipstick, napkins, and spare underwear. Because she is so economical, there is additional room for her joey. Also, it keeps them safe from their natural predators, the dingoes, since kangaroos really hate it when Elaine Benis (Seinfeld) says, “The dingo done got your baby.”

· Question: Why is lettuce crunchy?

· Answer: I went to expert, Captain Crunch, for the answer to this sound-related question. The answer has its roots in cellular biology, where we learn that the cellular structure of plants is rectangular, rather than oval, like the ones in animals, humans, water, and allegedly, salespeople. The physics of ripping these cells apart results in a wave-like physical reaction, that moves linearly through the air, and vibrates our eardrums. Our brains recognize these vibrations as noise. When lettuce begins to decay and wilt, the weakened cellular structure produces less vibration. However, some argue that if you rip lettuce in the woods, and no one is around to hear, it will make no noise.

· Question: What’s the difference between a reindeer and a deer?

· Answer: As most people already know, a reindeer is actually a member of the deer family, Cervidae, subspecies Rangifer Tarandus, which means, “a deer in which Santa Claus controls by using reins.” What fewer people know, though, is the female reindeer is the only female deer other than Caribou to have antlers, or horns. The purpose of these horns, of course, is so that reindeer pulling Santa’s sleigh can honk at any airplanes that come too close.

· Question: What’s an armilary (we know what it is. Do you)?

Answer: Pa-shaw. Of course I do. I also know that the correct spelling is 'armillary'. This word dates back to the first King Larry (the Lion-Livered) of Armilia back in 1422. King Larry, as everyone knows, was the first to wear a prosthesis (fake) arm, after losing his right one in a tragic mishap involving a family of irate, but polite gophers. Being a king, he was able to put together a large collection of wonderful arms to sit every occasion. Originally he kept the arms in th armory, but this confused his soldiers when they were looking for weapons and armor. So they made up a new name for the room where larry's arms were stored called the Armillary (short for arm-of-Larry). I'd spend a little more time on this but I can tell by my sundial that it's getting close to lunch.

· Question: Do the engineers at the downtown hotels use the same boxes the Christmas lights come in to put them away?

· Answer: Yeah, right. And they believe in Santa, too.

Let me know if you want more of this next week.

Norm

www.normcowie.com
The Adventures of Guy ... written by a guy (probably)
The Next Adventures of Guy ... more wackiness
The Heat of the Moment

Batty and other manimals

"Mom! Make him stop!"

"She started it!"

"I did not! He did!"

"No way, Jose!"

"Both of you, stop it right now!"

Um... as much as I hate to admit it, this happens in my house once in awhile ... and the bad news is that I'm usually one of the voices above ... no, not the mature one. You're shocked, I know. So am I.

But it took me many years to learn to win these kind of battles growing up in a four kid family, and why should I relinquish my expertise in the name of 'maturity'? I mean, heck, maturity is way overrated. You feel fat and have to wear those dresses that look like tents ... what? ... oh, maternity? Oh, never mind.

Anyway, I bring all of this up today because of a phone call I had with one of my teenaged critters today because it's Fast Food Monday - hey, you can't eat healthy every day. Anyway, I'm in charge of the kitchen on Mondays, hence the invention of Fast Food Monday.

Anyway, the conversation kind of started like this ...

Me: So what do you guys want me to bring home today? Chicken? Subs? Pizza? Chinese?

Critter: Whatever.

Me: Okay, so I'll get Chinese.

Critter: Whatever.

Me: How about I just pick up some roadkill and we can munch on that?

Critter: (silence)

Me: (smacking lips) Mmmmm... flattened opossum, sounds yummy.

Critter: (sighs) Dad, I told you what I wanted last night.

Me: Chinese, right?

Critter: You're just a senile batty old man.

Me: I never got that batty thing.

Critter: Huh?

Me: Think about it. Usually when you say 'batty,' you're talking about a woman, right?

Critter: Um.

Me: So what would a woman have to do with a baseball bat?

Critter: I think they mean the mammal, Dad.

Me: Even more. Everyone knows that women are afraid of bats! They think they'll get them in their hair.

Critter: (eyeroll - I couldn't see it, but I could sense it). I believe they are referring to bats in the belfry.

Me: (waving my arms - she couldn't see it, but she could sense it). Even more confusing! What do bats in a bell tower have to do with crazy old women?

Critter: (silence)

Me: (trying to regain control of the car).

Critter: Dad. Just get Chinese, okay?

Well, I think I'm about out of room, but I have one last thing to say. Buy my books! Please! Christmas is coming up and you need to buy something funny to offset the stress of the holidays! And I need to pay for mine!

Norm

www.normcowie.com
The Adventures of Guy ... written by a guy (probably) published 2006
The Next Adventures of Guy ... more wackiness published 2007
contributory author to the anthology The Heat of the Moment coming Dec. 15, 2007

The Heat of the Moment

Jeez, it's cold out here in Chicagoland. Freezing my booty off.

That's why it was great to warm my little fingers over a brand new book that has all kinds of warmth in it... compassion and heat ... real heat.

The Heat of the Moment is a brand new anthology put together by Karen Syed of Echelon Press Publishing after her angst at watching the Patriots win another game, I mean, the tragedy of the wildfires in California.

In a very short time she bailed a bunch of us out of jai... er, assembled a very talented group of twenty one authors; and put together a poignant book that not only tells the story of fire and loss, but also goes to benefit those who have suffered from the callous fingertips of flame.

That's right, all of the profits go to the victims of the California wildfires.

It also provided us with the chance to express our appreciation and reflect on the valiant firefighters who risk their own lives and welfare to help save lives and property. Why, they would even be willing to help the Patriots.

Selfless, that's what they are.

And each of the authors was able to tell his/her story using characters from our own books and our own genres! I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say that it was a great artistic experience to weave our characters around a common theme. Mystery, romance, sci-fi, humor showing all facets of fire and loss.

Anyway, help us spread the word. Buy a book and help people who have been driven from their homes.

Thanks, and, go Whomever is Playing the Patriots next week.

Oh, er, sorry. Can you tell I typed this while watching a game?

Norm
buy The Heat of the Moment at Amazon or www.echelonpress.com

(notice I'm not mentioning my website www.normcowie.com or my other books, The Adventures of Guy and The Next Adventures of Guy)

wait, I just did
no, you didn't
yes, I did
inconsiderate jerk
selfish rooster

Who's this Norman Cowie and what's he doing with my name?

So who's this Norman Cowie guy?

I mean, seriously, he's pissing me off. Whatever that means. Um. Whoever made up the statement 'pissing me off'? It makes absolutely no sense at all.

Sure, you can, well ... let's be a bit more delicate here ... anyway, you can 'tinkle' ON something, but you can't tinkle OFF something. That just makes no sense. Why do we use phrases that we don't understand? Jeez, ridiculous. It pisses me o...

Oops.

Anyway, back to this Norman Cowie guy. The nerve of him. Whenever I Google myself ...

What? You never Google yourself?

SSuuurrre you don't. Surely you aren't as crass as me. Of course you don't Google yourself. You probably don't look in a mirror either, right?

Anyway, this is about me, not you. Or more precisely, it's about that guy going around using MY NAME. Sure... it's a great name. Goes all the way back to Scotland. But that doesn't mean I'm going to let someone use it.

Well, there's a ...let's say, rumor ... that I occasionally go up to the little magic 'G' in the corner of my brand new laptop, type in the words ...norm cowie... and wait to see what pops up.

Will it be a new review of one of my books, a mention from another writer, my book being passed from one reader to another on a book swap site, or maybe a shout out from someone on Myspace? The point is, there often is something new and exciting.

So imagine my surprise when I enter 'Norm Cowie' and up pops some a page that has to do with someone using my name ... some Norman Cowie. Apparently he's a professor who was rejected for tenure or something and he's soliciting ground swell support for his tenure.

Hah. I know exactly why he didn't get tenure. it's because he's using SOMEONE ELSE'S NAME! Mine, to be precise. Okay, this sounds insensitive. I'm sorry, I'm sure he deserves tenure.

I was kind of thinking of shooting good old Norm an olive-branch email asking him to maybe just confine his Google tags to 'Norman Cowie,' and I'd take 'Norm Cowie.' So I was plotting my approach... assembling my rationale and arguments ... surely he'd get the sageness of my request ... he'd understand ... after all, with such a wonderful name, I'm sure he's great guy ... right?

Anyway, I was composing my email, and out of habit did a quick Google ... and what did I discover? There's another Norman Cowie out there!! What the heck??!

It just ... tinkles ... me off!

Norm

www.normcowie.com (NOT www.normancowie.com!)
The Adventures of Guy ... written by a guy (probably)
The Next Adventures of Guy ... more wackiness

Women's Underwear and Stuff

Hah, I'm early this time. Kinda makes up for last time when I was late.

Anyway, one reason for my promptness is that I'm sporting a brand new laptop here. Woo-hoo!

Yep, the old one was a dog ... a Gateway that I first bought for critter #1. When it kept breaking on her, I figured it was because all of the music downlogs, teenaged angst, and stuff like that.

But the derned thing was horrible. I had it into the shop four more times.

And believe me... this puts a CRAMP in your writing ... and blogging ... and, uh, surfing and stuff. The last thing a writer needs is a balky computer.

So here I am, trying NOT to find excuses to NOT to work on my new manuscript, and here a great excuse was dumped in my lap. So it was easy not to work ... sucked, man.

I was the vagabond blogger, looking for computers to post my stuff ... and then a publisher asked me to write something with a tight time line. I did it, but on an unfamiliar puter, and it just felt weird to be ... you know ... borrowing.

And using someone else's computer is like wearing someone else's underwear. Even if it's clean, it still doesn't feel right.

Worse, since I ended up borrowing my wife's laptop and then my daughter's laptop, it felt like women's underwear!!

AARGH!!

Sure, that's fine if you're a girl, and yeah, maybe some guys get into that, but it's not for me.

Fortunately, the computer was under extended warranty ... the only thing I ever buy an extended warranty for ... so Best Buy finally admitted that the computer was a lemon.

Another thing I don't get. I like lemons. So why is something bad called something I like? They should have said that the computer is a brussels sprout or a liver or something. Not something juicy, tart and that tastes good in a Corona.

So the bottom line is I've got myself a new laptop, a Hewlett Packard, and the keys are feeling NNIIICCCCEEEEE! Me like-ee.

You know what that means?

Surfing?

No, it means I gotta get back to work on my manuscript.

See ya,
Norm

www.normcowie.com
The Adventures of Guy
The Next Adventures of Guy

Weaker sex, my butt

What's all this about the weaker sex?

I mean, seriously, women ... weaker?

I don't think so!!

Believe me, I could probably be considered to be somewhat an expert on the subject, with a too-classy-for-me wife and two bright, beautiful teenaged daughters.

So let's talk about this alleged 'frailty.'

How about it, guys. Do any of you want to take on the physical problems of being a woman? You want to feel bloated, irritable, and, dare I say it... dern near homicidal every single month? I'm sure this is where werewolf stories came from.

And squirting a baby out of an opening the size of a fifty cent piece. For comparisons, we'd have to pee out a, well, a pea. How do you think that would feel?

And I can tell you this for sure. If a guy peed out a pea just one time in his life, there ain't gonna be a second pea.

Ain't no guy gonna put on a pair of shoes that scrunch his feet into little points, much less any garment that fastens in the back. Do you hear me... no, of course you don't ... but do you read me? Our arms don't reach that far! So you won't see us buttoning our shirts in the back.

Then let's get into the mental aspect. Women have us there, too;, and I can prove it simply and easily.

They have to put up with GUYS!

'Nuff said.

Norm

www.normcowie.com

The Adventures of Guy ... written by a guy (probably)
The Next Adventures of Guy ... more wackiness

For a few drops of water

Who ever thunk that writing would end up causing me to worry so much about marketing? It's not like I'm thinking, "Are my books any good? Will people like them?" It's more, "How can I get the word out? How can I help market my books?"

It's one thing to write a good book. It's another to write one that sells well. And sometimes, unfortunately, far too often, a better book is outsold by one of lesser quality but better marketing.

I was a marketing major in college, and one of the things you learn is the importance of placement. Have you ever noticed one brand of commodity on the supermarket's shelf with two entirely different packagings? You probably figure that one is getting phased in while the other is being phased out. Usually not. What's more likely happening is that they are evaluating the different packing to see which sells better. And your supermarket is being used as a 'test' store.

Another marketing ploy in supermarkets is what is on sale on the ends of the aisles. One generally thinks that there are bargains at the end of the aisle, and these usually sell better than product in mid-aisle, which can be lost among competitor brands and other goods.

Book sales are similar. What books sell better? The ones at the front of the store, obviously. Those that get 'face' placement, rather than just the spine. Etc. etc. etc.

I have a little game that I like to play at my local library. If one of my books is buried on one of the shelves, I'll take it out and put it one of the little displays that they have all over the library that shows the cover of the book. Then I'll check the library's catalog later, and most often the book gets checked out within a day or two. Placement.

So I do a lot of thinking nowadays about marketing. How can I help market my books? I sent my books out to a bunch of reviewers. They all loved them and wrote wonderful things about them. Has this helped sales? I don't know. I go to book fairs and do a pretty good job of selling them one on one as people browse by my stall. Will this help in the long run? Sure, there are some immediate sales, but does it end there?

I know that my readers are satisfied... I've heard from them. But will they talk about my books? Help spread the word? Will someone who reads my books at the library decide to buy one for a relative for Christmas? Or do they read the books, laugh at all of the funny stuff, and put it on their bookshelves to gather dust?

You never know. Does blogging bring in readers? There are differing views on this.

Frankly, I look at whatever I do as sowing seeds. You never know where they will take root and what might happen. So I sow them everywhere I can, local media and national media (Oprah, USA Today, Publishers Weekly) and hope that a seed might find fertile soil ... and get enough water ... and sunlight ... a maybe a worm or two to help irrigate the soil.

All seeds ... just waiting for a few drops of water.

Norm

www.normcowie.com
The Adventures of Guy ... written by a guy (probably)
The Next Adventures of Guy ... more wackiness

Letter from Baltimore

I'm sitting in a hotel room in Baltimore, exhausted from two days of hawking my wares in my publisher's booth at the Baltimore Book Fair. This was a huge fair, with all kinds of awesome food (melted cheese crab pita was a must eat). There was music, Baltimore Orioles and Ravens fans, and unfortunately, thousands and thousands of ... New York Yankee fans.

With their baseball superiority securely in hand, Yankee fans flock to Camden Yards when the Yankees hit town, and strut around with their Dirt, er, Derrick Jeter shirts, looking down their New York noses at the Oriole fans. Baltimore gladly takes their money though.

Enough about them. Though we don't agree on baseball, they were approachable and enjoyed the book fair just like normal humans... heh.

Anyway, I'm not exactly bashful, so it was fun to accost, er, approach passersby and introduce them to my kind of humor. And it works. We sold out every copy of The Adventures of Guy and a goodly number of its sequel The Next Adventures of Guy. Most of the people who bought the first book promised that they would buy the sequel if they love the first book, so I'm feeling pretty good that I'll hear from them again soon.

I had never met my editors, Draumr Publishing, in person before, and Robert and Rida were awesome, gracious, and appreciative that I would fly out from Chicago. I also got to meet several other of Draumr's authors and we had a blast. Good food, great company and just a fun visit overall.

I also ran into a familiar face. No, not Cal Ripken. Austin Camacho, whom I'd met at Love is Murder in Chicago, was manning a spot in the Author Tent.

And, ...

(knock, knock)

Oh, I gotta go... my pizza has arrived.

Norm

www.normcowie.com
The Adventures of Guy ... written by a guy (probably)
The Next Adventures of Guy ... more wackiness

No Sense in 50 Cent

I'm mad at 50 Cent.

Yeah, I'm torqued at the rapper dude. Uh. he's a rapper, right?

Whatever.

Enneyway, ya, see, he got all up in my grill. He best be steppin' off, yo'.
IMA bust a cap on, ...

...um...

"What the heck is he talking about?" you're probably wondering. Don't worry, I'll get there.

It goes like this. Amanda Richards, one of the Top 100 Amazon Reviewers, wrote awesome reviews of both of my books, all in rhyme. I plugged the first one in my blog here a couple weeks ago.

Anyway, out of the blue, I received an email from her apologizing because now there was some negative stuff written about her review on Amazon's book site. Mind you, not about my book.

The review.

"Huh?" I thought.

"Huh?" I typed at her.

She went on to explain that she also reviews music, and apparently when she put in her two cents worth about the latest 50 Cent album, he, or some of his people, or some of his fans, didn't care for her negative review of his ...um...music, so they started attacking her reviews.

Unfortunately for one Norm Cowie, his was the one just before it. So now if you check out my book (The Next Adventures of Guy), you'll see her review (and another by another Top 100 reviewer). And you'll also note that less than half of the people found the review 'helpful.'

So basically, they attacked her bad review of his album by giving her negative reviews ... of her reviews.

She went on to tell me that the Amazon filters would probably cut out questionable stuff, and then she said that she would put the review up again at a later date so that this skirmish wouldn't reflect on my book, which she loved.

I guess I can't really get mad at 50 Cent, since in the long run I'll benefit by receiving more publicity. So maybe I won't have to throw away my 50 Cent CD's after all.

So now all I have to do now is go buy one, so that I won't have to throw it away.

Norm

www.normcowie.com
The Adventures of Guy ... written by a guy (probably)
The Next Adventures of Guy ... more wackiness

How YA doing?

I admit it.

I'm thinking of taking a walk on the wild side... or the YA side.

Young adult.

Actually, I'm doing more than thinking about it... I'm going forward with it.

I'm about 15% into my next venture, a YA humor/vampire book, and before I get too deep, I thought I should make sure that since my book is about teens, for teens and, um... other teen-stuff, I figured that I should make sure the characters are believable, the plot engaging enough to suck in a mind numbed by Playstation, the POV true and addicting.

So I was driving along the other day, and spied two neighborhood girls who had learned that a writer lived in the neighborhood, and ventured one day to come find me.

This time I went to them and asked them if they would mind reading the first pages and let me know what they thought.

Well, one thing led to another, and now I'm going to spend an entire day in their junior high as a guest of the school. I'm going to talk to classes, eat lunch with them, catch myself a couple detentions, and plan on having a rip-roaring time. The teacher who is coordinating everything even said she'd bring in some subs for lunch or something, and I said, "no way. I'm going to sit with the critters."

I'm hoping that sharing this time with them will help them get excited about writing, while helping my own meager attempts to humor, educate and entertain.

Then I'm going to take a page out of Joe Konrath's book, and will name every kid by first name and last initial in the acknowledgements ... can you say 'automatic sales'?

I'll let you know how it goes.

Norm

www.normcowie.com
The Adventures of Guy ... written by a guy (probably)
The Next Adventures of Guy ... more wackiness

(look for me at the Baltimore Book Festival Sept 28 and the Midwest Literary Festival (Aurora Il.) the first weekend of Oct.)

Guyquest

I recently sent my books to a few of the Amazon Top 100 Reviewers. Amanda Richards composed a really funny review of The Adventures of Guy.

Guyquest

A funny book about a guy
And Guy's also his name
Your standard goof-off slacker-dude
Without a claim to fame

And then one day a phone call came
That sent him on a quest
He's forced to leave his dirty home
(More like his filthy nest)

There's something wrong with little Seth
At least he's not himself
In no time flat, Guy's pals become
A sor-cer-er and elf

It seems your quest is not complete
Without a certain mix
So they recruit a warrior
Stacked like a house of bricks

There's something evil chasing them
And monsters everywhere
Look out for buzzing little flies
And plumber's derriere

The truth of telemarketing
The huge attorney plot
All made as simple as the choice
To supersize, or not?

It's just as crazy as it sounds
With potty jokes and worse
A madcap world of fantasy
Reviewed by me in verse

A warning to you, friends of mine
And you, my dear consumer
Don't bother picking up this one
If you've no sense of humor



Amanda Richards, August 25, 2007
(reprinted with permission)

Norm Cowie
www.normcowie.com
The Adventures of Guy ... written by a guy (probably)
The Next Adventures of Guy ... more wackiness

Scared Silly

I read the scariest thing ever, with apologies to Stephen King, Dean Koontz and our own Master of Macabre Rob Walker. It isn't a book, but more of a pamphlet, a journal, a magazine as it were. Like a werewolf , it comes out once a month to turn my blood cold.

It is ... (shudder) ... something to scare a man out of his back hair.

I can barely tell you.

Its pages are so scary... so frightening ... terrifying ... and ... um ..., other words that describe fear. Fear that causes your muscles to petrify as chemicals of unhappiness surge through your body, springing up goose bumps along the way.

I must speak the name of this periodical, though my mouth refuses to utter its simple name... so I will type it instead with shaky fingers.

It is ... (eek) ... READER'S DIGEST.

Yes, you heard me.

Reader's Digest.

You scoff. I can tell ... only because I have incredible powers of perceptiveness (my wife snorts in disbelief). You mock my gentle wisdom ... the warning that I spread to save those who read this magazine for its insight, humor and stories of human courage.

But have you read the other parts of the magazine?

You know, those parts that come with an eight point font disclaimer that takes up a whole page or three ... that no one ever reads because it's an eight point font disclaimer that takes up a whole page or three.

The stuff having to do with ... health?

Yep, Reader's Digest is chock full of stuff dealing with what they laughingly call health. For with hypochondriacs like me, that's not a good thing. For you see, I am susceptible to the power of suggestion. If there's a mosquito in the room, I feel itchy. If someone yawns, I yawn. And if someone gets skin cancer, I start watching my moles with squinty-eyed suspicion.

I've learned all kinds of scary things about health by reading Reader's Digest. For instance, did you know that your bowels have a temper? I didn't. Why if you eat the wrong things, it might get irritable and go Postal on you. And I learned by reading RD's learned pages, that even though I might feel wonderful, cholesterol might ... even as I type ... be packing my arteries with stuff that will make them explode.

Do you know the signs of a heart attack? Me neither, until I read RD. Thanks to their friendly words, I know that the signs of a heart attack are chest or upper body discomfort, shortness of breath, cold sweat, nausea and lightheadedness. After reading this, I broke out into a cold sweat, clutched my hands to my chest which seized up so that I couldn't get a breath and almost passed out.

I also learned that back and joint pain might mean that I have prostate cancer, a rash might be Lyme disease, and that my severe headache was not from having teenaged girls, but more likely from an aneurysm. And my blurred vision isn't me getting old - it's macular degeneration that can be reversed by the wonderful drug Avastin, which will also treat my colon cancer. Lucky me.

So call me a hypochondriac, but I'm going to stop reading the medical stuff. I think I'll skip right to "Humor in Uniform."

(whistles tunelessly and reads).

Aargh!

I hurt my funny bone!

Norm

www.normcowie.com
The Adventures of Guy ... written by a guy (probably)
The Next Adventures of Guy ... more wackiness

Chiming in

I just have to add my two cents (about five dollars with inflation) to Larry's very interesting blog with a short story of my own.

A lot of my small humor bits have gone into a free e-magazine called Cynic Magazine. I've never tried to get my short stuff published for money, but simply wanted an outlet for my overflowing sense of humor. Being a classy mag, Cynic has published everything I've given them, including articles in their "Best of 2005" and "Best of 2006" issues.

Like Larry, I always sort of wondered if something might come of the exposure, but otherwise, there's no downside, because other than publishing them, archiving them and reprinting for the "Best Of" issues, copyright reverts back to me.

But something did come of this, just recently in fact.

When my second book came out last month, I emailed the news to everyone in my address book. To my surprise, a few days later I received an email from Cynic saying that they would like to do something that they normally don't do. Since I've been such a faithful contributor, they were going to put an ad on their next issue for my new book... for free! And not only that, but in a future issue they would do a review, even further increasing the exposure.

Free publicity!

So check it out at www.cynicmag.com

Norm
www.normcowie.com
The Adventures of Guy ... written by a guy (probably)
The Next Adventures of Guy ... more wackiness