"Mom! Make him stop!"
"She started it!"
"I did not! He did!"
"No way, Jose!"
"Both of you, stop it right now!"
Um... as much as I hate to admit it, this happens in my house once in awhile ... and the bad news is that I'm usually one of the voices above ... no, not the mature one. You're shocked, I know. So am I.
But it took me many years to learn to win these kind of battles growing up in a four kid family, and why should I relinquish my expertise in the name of 'maturity'? I mean, heck, maturity is way overrated. You feel fat and have to wear those dresses that look like tents ... what? ... oh, maternity? Oh, never mind.
Anyway, I bring all of this up today because of a phone call I had with one of my teenaged critters today because it's Fast Food Monday - hey, you can't eat healthy every day. Anyway, I'm in charge of the kitchen on Mondays, hence the invention of Fast Food Monday.
Anyway, the conversation kind of started like this ...
Me: So what do you guys want me to bring home today? Chicken? Subs? Pizza? Chinese?
Me: Okay, so I'll get Chinese.
Me: How about I just pick up some roadkill and we can munch on that?
Me: (smacking lips) Mmmmm... flattened opossum, sounds yummy.
Critter: (sighs) Dad, I told you what I wanted last night.
Me: Chinese, right?
Critter: You're just a senile batty old man.
Me: I never got that batty thing.
Me: Think about it. Usually when you say 'batty,' you're talking about a woman, right?
Me: So what would a woman have to do with a baseball bat?
Critter: I think they mean the mammal, Dad.
Me: Even more. Everyone knows that women are afraid of bats! They think they'll get them in their hair.
Critter: (eyeroll - I couldn't see it, but I could sense it). I believe they are referring to bats in the belfry.
Me: (waving my arms - she couldn't see it, but she could sense it). Even more confusing! What do bats in a bell tower have to do with crazy old women?
Me: (trying to regain control of the car).
Critter: Dad. Just get Chinese, okay?
Well, I think I'm about out of room, but I have one last thing to say. Buy my books! Please! Christmas is coming up and you need to buy something funny to offset the stress of the holidays! And I need to pay for mine!
The Adventures of Guy ... written by a guy (probably) published 2006
The Next Adventures of Guy ... more wackiness published 2007
contributory author to the anthology The Heat of the Moment coming Dec. 15, 2007