Monday, July 2, 2007



Wanna buy some air?

“Air?!” you say? “Why would I want to buy air?! Air is one of the most common substances on Earth. Heck, air is what makes Earth livable in the first place. We all use it, even animals and George Bush. It’s continually renewed by plants and available every time you inhale. Why should I have to pay any money for it?”

Well, you already do.

In fact, you buy air all the time.

I thought about this the other day when I was buying bubblewrap to protect some stuff that I was going to ship. Being a guy, the first thing I did with the bubblewrap was to pop a bunch of the little bubbles. Wheee! Pop! Pop! Pop!

Uh-hem, sorry.

Anyway, then it occurred to me. I had just purchased air.

Think about it. Bubblewrap is basically just two ingredients: air and plastic. If not for the air, the little sheet of plastic would be worthless, since it wouldn’t protect anything. So basically, the air is more important than the plastic.

Not so for potato chips. How many times have you bought a big, fat bag of chips, ripped it open, had a bunch of air whoosh past your face, and found yourself with a bag of crumbs?

Still, though, there are times when you buy the air, because you need air. Like you know it’s time to buy new tennis balls when they go flat. And when your tires are low, you’ll plug fifty cents into an air compressor with a faulty gauge and a leak in the hose, and the air hisses out everywhere but into your tire, while you mutter and cuss.

Or maybe if you’re planning a space or underwater trip. In fact, it’s a little known fact that NASA has been exploring the possibility of bringing bags of potato chips on future missions to furnish the astronauts with their air and food needs.

But it’s not just air, either. You also buy water, … and dirt … and poop!

Poop, you say?

Yeah, poop. Can you say ‘fertilizer’?

The most common substances on Earth. We buy them.

Not only that, but we’re willing to spend extra money to get them from other places. We’ll think nothing of spending two bucks for some Artesian water from France or the Fiji Islands. Heck, most people don’t even know that ‘artesian’ simply means well water from water drained from higher ground. So we’re spending extra money on well water?!


Everybody knows that the best water comes from drinking fountains in high schools. Not the porcelain ones. The metal ones. The best water in the world, if you don’t mind the slight Juicy Fruit flavor from a piece of gum some freshman wedged into the spout.

Anyway, I want in on this scam. I want to sell something that’s a common source. Something renewable and everyday. Something you wouldn’t normally think of buying. In fact, something I find every morning, in my drain.


Wanna buy some hair?

The Adventures of Guy ... written by a guy (probably)
The Next Adventures of Guy ... more wackiness

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