Monday, May 26, 2008

The Burning of the Head

Since it's Memorial Day, I'm going to take the day off and shake the dust off an old article I wrote a couple years ago.... mostly because it was a bright and sunny three day weekend and ... well, read this and you'll figure out what happened.

Here goes...

Late each spring, an annual event occurs to mark the arrival of summer. Around our house, we like to call it, "The Burning of the Head."

Not everybody can celebrate this event, as a certain amount of scalp has to be made available to the rays of the sun for a duration that will assure a certain doneness of cooking. This may best be ascertained when the epidermis reaches a level three (of five) on the redness scale.

Alas, those whose who sport a full head of hair, or who are chemically altered by Rogaine, will not know the pleasures of this celebration. In fact, in my case, there seems to be more and more to celebrate each year, as my bald spot morphs into more of a bald area.

Still, though, I'm better off than those with bald zones. Or those pool-cue guys, nicknamed Curly (going back to an event somewhere in the distant past), who have even (gasp!) given up the comb-over defense, after concluding that their hairless areas, like a virulent strain of weed, have taken over the garden.

Yeah. You're probably reading this, twirling your fingers in your hair, smirking at us hair-challenged people. But we are people like you. Do we not breathe like you, eat like you, burp and fart like you? We are as human as you. So stop calling us 'Chrome-dome and 'Baldy' and names like that. Because someday the secret will come out, and humanity will realize something that we already know....

(I almost hesitate to tell you)

(it's a closely guarded secret)

We ....are ....superior ....!!!

Yep, make fun of us if you want. But do you know why we are bald? Huh? Do you?

Thought not.

It's because our male hormone levels are too high. Yeah, take that! We are the most macho of the macho, with hormone levels jacking our manliness into the stratosphere. Boo-yah!

You think those hairy, punk, sissies, pumping all that iron, are the macho, manly, man-studs? Hah! They're worms, barely worthy of rubbing our craniums.


And our Forefathers knew all of this. That's why they picked the mightiest of the birds as our national bird. They even made fun of bald-challenged people by making up the Whig party, then wearing wigs to mock people with hair.

And for you deserters. Yeah, you! Do you how Rogaine really works? Forget about what you read, especially on the container. Not that I'd have any reason for reading the container, mind you. Anyway, it's a lie. I did a careful study (consisting of getting on the Internet and checking out the baseball scores), and concluded that Rogaine simply reduces the level of male hormone, by adding woman hormone!

Nothing else makes sense, so no further studies were necessary.

I feel sorry for you guys with hair.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!


God loves some heads, the rest He covers with hair.

(reprinted from the Best of Cynic Magazine)

Gotta go and put some cream or something on my head.

The Adventures of Guy ... written by a guy (probably)
The Next Adventures of Guy ... more wackiness
The Heat of the Moment

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