Monday, May 12, 2008

Animal Crackers

Who makes up jokes?

Especially those really sick, really funny jokes that happen after any event, whether good or bad.

Jeffery Dahmer had barely digested before the pundits had created an armada of sick jokes, the only thing sicker being my inability to remember even one to chronicle here.

(Of course, I’m kidding; What do you find in Jeffery Dahmer’s freezer? ….. Ben and Jerry!)

And once, when a plane was tragically downed in the Florida Everglades, I received a phone call the same morning from a friend, who wrapped up the conversation by asking, “What did the one Everglades alligator say to the other?”

Half afraid of the answer, I asked. “I don’t know, what?”

And he gleefully blurts, “See, airline food isn’t all that bad. Huhyuukk!!”

The only thing faster than the speed this gross joke was created was the speed in which it traveled. Later that same morning, this joke was repeated to me by at least three people, none of whom knew the other.

I’m kind of weird… not exactly a shocker, huh?…anyway, I’m kind of weird in that I cannot put a bad joke out of my mind until I repeat it to someone else. So I sauntered out into the office to repeat this joke to someone else, just so I can wipe it out you understand, and spied some dude in the office.

“Hey, dude in the office” I said (I call them all this), “What did the one Everglades alligator…” He interrupted, saying “… See, airline food isn’t all that bad. I heard the joke three times already/”

Then he says, “Here’s one. Three women are walking down the street wearing potato sacks. How can you tell which is the hooker?”

Ha, my turn. Happily I chirped, “The one whose sack says ‘Idaho’! I heard that joke four times yesterday!”

Speaking of potatoes, everyone I know has some once favorite food that he can’t choke down anymore because it was the last thing that went down before the stomach flu, food poisoning or a Michael Bolton concert.

Mine is hotdogs.

About twelve years ago, I loaded up a hotdog with mustard and a ton of chopped onions, and in three bites glomped the whole thing. It was so good I slorked another, then another. Little did I realize that my unnatural hunger was just my body loading up all the energy it could to sustain itself through the stomach flu it was busily incubating.

Well, you know what happened next. I ate those three hotdogs again, only in reverse. In fact, I think I upchucked four hotdogs! Years later, and I still gag every time I get near a hotdog. I couldn’t even watch Adam Sandler without provoking a gag reflex.

Idea to bored scientists, next time a plane crashes in the Everglades, see if you can somehow make all the alligators catch the flu. Then they’ll never want to have Purina People food again.


The Adventures of Guy … written by a guy (probably)

The Next Adventures of Guy … more wackiness

The Heat of the Moment

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