Monday, March 24, 2008

Becoming a metrosexual

Hmm, that whale sure smells good, doesn’t it?

Betcha you don’t have any idea where I’m going with this, right?

It all started when I ran out of shaving cream. With the words of old commercial going through my head “Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman,” I reached in the shower and grabbed the can of woman’s shaving cream. As I slathered the pink stuff on my fingers, I thought to myself, if it works under tender armpits and behind knees, then it’d do the job on my chin, right?

It worked perfectly. The razor glided over my skin, smoothly slicing through face hair, and there wasn’t a nick, a bob, or even a tony left afterwards. And my skin was woman soft.


Not only that, but it left a nice pleasant scent afterwards. Some kind of subtle berry or something, that like with wine, my nose wasn’t sophisticated enough to identify.

On the other hand, while I enjoyed the smell I had to admit to having some concerns about the fragrance. Would it be safe to leave the bathroom and venture out into the world with this womanly scent hovering about Mr. Manly Me? Would my two girls catch wind, and send me running for shelter with derisive laughter, “Hey, Dad, you smell like a girl!!! Very pretty!!”

Or worse, was there some kind of pheromone that I wouldn’t know about; so when I’d leave my house I’d be leaking an invisible trail of “Hey, Sailor!” molecules who would be winking seductively at every male in the vicinity?

Frantically I read through the shaving cream can looking for the ingredient ‘whale.’

Yep, you heard me, whale.

I remembered reading once that because animal musk is very similar to human testosterone, humans respond to animal musk like they would to pizza.

I mean, human pheromones.

And the best place to get this animal musk? Whales, of course. Specifically, from glandular secretions (ambergris) of the sperm whale.

Yeah, I hear you women snickering, “Oh yeah, you men get all aroused from the scent of sperm whales … tee-hee.”

Maybe. But you’re the ones slathering it all over yourselves. We men are busy dabbing on musk, a secretion from a pouch under the tail of a male musk deer.

Romantic, huh?

Anyway, it turned out that there weren’t any whales in my shaving cream. And I was so happy with it, I decided to use it from now on. This got me to thinking that maybe I’m on the path to becoming a metrosexual.

In fact, just the other day I actually (gasp) used a pre-conditioner, then (gasp again) shampooed with my wife’s expensive shampoo, before (gasp a third time!) conditioning! Then, using a little doodad my wife gave as a torture device, er, gift, I mowed my ear and ear hair and stepped out of the bathroom looking nice, neat and trim.

And smelling like a whale.

The Adventures of Guy ... written by a guy (probably)
The Next Adventures of Guy ... more wackiness
The Heat of the Moment

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