I’d pay money to see it I thought to myself, looking through the glass at the goose. And I wouldn’t get mad about it, either.
The goose in question was guarding the office door one day last spring, between my car and me. He was nibbling at a cigarette butt, probably trying to figure out why we stupid humans take a perfectly good leaf, wrap it in paper, put fire on one end and suck on the other end. Put that way, it’s a pretty good question, even for a bird-brain.
Anyway, what I would pay money for would be to see this big guy do a flip. Or even a cartwheel. That’d be okay, too.
I’m sure most of you are following me, but the rest of you, I’ll give you some background.
The Canada goose and his wife have taken up residence under a sign, just twenty feet away from a busy highway. The nearest body of water is a dried out drainage ditch, and thousands of cars and trucks rumble past every day. But Mrs. Goose doesn’t seem to mind the hustle and bustle, and even went ahead and laid two eggs in the dirt at the base of the sign. They take turns sitting on the eggs and pooping out huge goose speed bumps in our parking lot.
I tried to imagine how they ended up here, and could only come up with two different scenarios. The first has them flying back up to Wisconsin from their winter home in Tennessee, and while banking through a turn, Mrs. Goose squawks, and honks, “Oh, no, my water broke.” So, Mr. Goose glides down with her to the nearest patch of green, where she does Lamaze before finally laying her eggs.
Or, in my opinion, more likely, Mrs. Goose, tired of life in the country, with marsh grass, bugs and cow manure, convinced her husband to move her to a condo in the big city, close to Starbucks.
So while I waited for Mr. Goose to mosey away, I wondered what it is about acrobatic birds that cause road rage. Sure, I wasn’t happy that he was keeping me from my car, but I wasn’t about to pull a gun and shoot anything. But there are a lot of people out there, especially the ‘alleged’ people who drive Grand Prix’s, who wouldn’t hesitate to run over granny if a bird was flipped at them.
Not me though. If I saw a bird flip, I’d just have to stop and applause. Think about it. Birds just aren’t equipped for that kind of physical feat. Sure, wings help, but still it’d be a difficult maneuver. So if a bird flipped at me, I’d just have to stop and give it some money or some Canada Goose Kibbles & Bits or something. Make it feel appreciated.
So I’m going to watch and wait for the chicks to hatch. Then, when they leave their nest and waddle off towards the nearby highway, maybe they’ll put on a show worth watching. Road rage indeed.
I’ll be rooting for Mrs. Goose.
Fang Face (Young Adult humor/vampire – coming August 2009)
The Adventures of Guy … written by a guy (probably)
The Next Adventures of Guy … more wackiness
The Heat of the Moment