Sunday, September 21, 2008

Politics and birds and stuff

Someday I’m going to get serious, and try to understand politics. I feel if I put a concerted effort into this study, I will understand the difference between a liberal Republican, and a conservative Democrat.

I also think there should be more avian ways to describe people’s martial tendencies. You have your hawks who want to go to war right now. You have your doves who want peace at all costs. Okay, I get those two. But what bird would represent someone who wants to fight as a last option? Or someone who wants a preemptive limited precision strike with immediate mediation? Or someone who wants peace, but only if they get their way? Or how about someone who simply wants to argue all the time?

I think the seagull is the perfect symbol for this last person. Have you ever seen seagulls fighting amongst themselves? I was eating lunch at a Park District once, where a lot of gulls hang out waiting for some handouts. I noticed one gull defending a five foot radius next to my window. If I were to throw out a piece of my lunch, it was his. And if any other gull came near, this gull would squawk and chase it away.

Which brings me to the subject of bad drivers. I know, it’s not really logical to jump from writing about seagulls to bad drivers, because we all know seagulls can’t golf very well. Anyway, I wasn’t talking about drivers as in golf - I was referring to driving cars. Seagulls are notoriously bad drivers, so they usually fly. Politicians are bad drivers too, which is why they are given immunities.

If not for these immunities, our government would be voting on new jails even as they were serving time in these same jails for various traffic infractions. Of course, they would choose to serve time rather than paying fines, because the only money they know how to spend is yours and mine.

Enough of that … back to the subject of bad drivers. I was watching the comedian Gallagher once, and he did a little bit on bad drivers. He said the best way to avoid bad drivers would be if all people were given big dart guns. Then, if you saw someone being an idiot, you simply shoot a dart at the car. So any time you see a car careening towards you with darts sticking out all over, you run for cover! And any with too many automatically would get pulled over and ticketed by the police.

That’s not enough for me. I want personal message boards on the front and back of my car, with a keyboard in the car, where I could type little messages and love notes for drivers around you.

Then I figured not. I’d probably get into an accident as I’m looking to find the ‘F’ key while driving, so maybe Gallagher’s idea is better.

What was I going to type with the ‘F’ key? It’s not what you think. I was going to type, “What a Fine Day!”

You believe me, don’t you?


The Adventures of Guy … written by a guy (probably)

The Next Adventures of Guy … more wackiness

Fang Face (young adult humor/vampire, coming Aug. 09)

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