Monday, June 30, 2008

Pleasing the Pastor

Have you ever gone to church or to a seminar?


Do you watch Reality television?

You do? Well, forget that. How about school? Remember school?

Anyway, for those of who have gone to church, a seminar, or school, do you just sit in your seat in the anonymous protection of the audience, shut off your mind, and simply wait to be entertained or educated?

Do you stare vacuously at the speaker with your brain waves slowing to a vapid nothing while you wonder what you’re going to pick up at dinner on the way home, or chewing on your pencil with your orthodonically enhanced … I think I just made up this word … perfect teeth?

Well, don’t do it!!

Do you realize how frightening this is to the speaker?

All he sees are these blank stares. That’s scary! He needs to know that he is reaching you.

I regularly give speeches and take it from me - you audience members need to take lessons in how to be responsive audiences! You need to learn how to do the encouraging smile. Your eyes must have the entertained sparkle. You should murmur your appreciation at the most poignant parts of the speech or say, “Amen,” maybe faint in the aisle or something.

Sure, this might be awkward at a business seminar, but nobody will care until they are fully caffeinated and bagel-ated … another made up word.

I was in church one day and the pastor was talking about the fear of death. He said that the only thing that scares people more than the thought of dying is the thought of speaking in public.

I don’t think he’s right though. Because once in college, when I was sitting there being vacuously entertained … but I had a rough night the night before … so it’s okay... anyway, I learned that when you take a speech class, you are told to imagine the audience in their underwear.

Ever since I heard this, my biggest fear is being in an audience.


The Adventures of Guy … written by a guy (probably)

The Next Adventures of Guy … more wackiness

The Heat of the Moment

Fang Face (coming 2009)

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