Monday, April 21, 2008

Mass hysteria, dieting

So let’s go back to the subject of women and gravity.

Yeah, I spend a lot of time on this topic.

No, I’m lying. I don’t. I value my life…. and, uh, other things.


Oh, yeah, this is one of my infamous nonsense blogs.

Yay! Nonsense blogs!

Anyway, back to the women and gravity. If you really think about it, women don’t try to lose weight.

Really … they don’t.

They are actually trying to lesson the force of gravity between them and the bathroom scales. If our gravity were to suddenly lessen to, say, point nine Gee’s, every woman in the world would lose 10% of her weight.

However, she would still look the same. Would she be happy with her newfound weight loss?

I don’t think so.

So the proper thing to do now is for everyone to realize that women don’t really want to lose weight.

You heard me.

They don’t want to lose weight.

They want to lose MASS!

So starting today, women, you want to go on a mass-reducing diet.

And you want to hear stuff like this, “So Kathy, you look great, how much mass have you lost?”

I know the above statement seems chauvinistic … at least it does to me. It’s well known that many men are also overweight, and are very interested in dropping a few pounds. Maybe healing that plumber’s butt thing. So dropping pounds is in no way limited to women.

But men can drop weight much more rapidly than women. All we have to do is shake our heads, and let some of the rocks dribble out.

Also, do you know that a fish is mostly just a big muscle?

Nice segue, huh?

Okay, maybe not, but this is a nonsense blog after all.

Anyway, just think, a fish can move in water faster than we can move unassisted in air, which is far less dense. That’s because they are propelling themselves, with sideways motion no less, by one huge muscle making up more than 60% of their bodies.

Density is a very interesting property. You can go from solids to liquid solids, like mercury, to liquids and gases. And if you really think about it, solids are not solids. There are spaces between every molecule of solid, so basically solids are not, in fact, solid.

Where was I leading with this?

I had a point. I know I did.

(fingers drumming on laptop)

Oh yeah, if you could change our atmosphere to something lighter, like helium, women might just obtain that weight loss they were looking for.

No wait, that would result in weight gain.

You would need to weigh someone in a denser medium, like water, to make him weigh less. So maybe the answer is to melt the polar icecaps.

See, global warming just might have a good side to it after all.

No, wait, that wouldn’t work either, because if we were surrounded by water, we’d go under when the tide shifts.

But don’t worry, we have George Bush’s best scientists on the case.

No, uh…

The Adventures of Guy … written by a guy (probably)
The next Adventures of Guy … more wackiness
The Heat of the Moment

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